PARKS AND REC SENTENCE STARTERS

lettucedoathing:

• “I will defeat you right into my pants.”
• “Why you gotta bring the Quackson Five into this?”
• “What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.”
• “He’s like the gayest person I’ve ever met, but I make out with him when I’m drunk sometimes.”
• “A little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.”
• “A little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.”
• “I am NOT crying, okay?! I’m allergic to jerks!”
• “On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed off are you?”
• “This would not happen if I had a penis!”
• “I thought there was gonna be chocolate.”
• “I’m just, like, going through a thing right now.”
• “I guess when my life is incomplete I wanna shoot someone.”
• “I am a guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat.”
• “I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.”
• “Really? ‘Cause an hour ago you told me you’d rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.”
• “Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin’, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.”
• “I want to make out with you and chew your eyebrows off.”
• “It’s like yoga except I get to kill something.”
• “Are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee?”
• “The only thing I’ll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!”
• “That’s almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.”
• “Your quiet support means the world to me, as does your tacit endorsement of all my behaviors.”
• “I am one hundred percent certain that I am zero percent sure of what I’m going to do.”
• “It’s roughly the size of a two year old child, if the child were liquefied.”
• “Guurrl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi Longstocking had a baby and I LOVE it.”
• “It’s cold outside and I can’t wear mittens because they’re not flattering to my hands!”
• “Damn it, you’re transferring your crying thing over to me.”
• “I just opened a can of whoop ass on myself!”
• “You’re smart and successful with an adorable belly.”
• “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.”
• “My spirit blood is on your hands.”
• “You’re like a giant puppy with no shame.”
• “History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”
• “Are you kidding? This is London. There’s a pub over there, there’s a pub over there, and there’s a pub between those two butcher shops.”
• “I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the stench of European socialism.”
• “You’re a man genius… with a taut, narrow frame like a sexy elf king.”